Today’s soliloquy* is based on reading Lord Chesterfield’s letters to his son in which he endeavours to give advice about various matters including relationships and friendships. This father is diligent and conscientious to deliver the best possible advice to his son and after reading it I’m going to give my version oh how I would advise my younger self to increase the circle and meaningfulness of social relationships

• a soliloquy is an act of speaking one’s thoughts when by oneself or regardless of any hearers especially by a character in a play. I do all this writing by speech to text software so this is quite applicable really

I’m going to pass on some of my experiences and observations.  I’m not saying they are complete but you gotta start somewhere so this is a summary of my searching for friends since I was a late teenager so that’s quite a few years – don’t go there.

I believe in keeping an open mind towards everyone, even those we meet in unusual circumstances. People often meet their partners in the most unexpected places like supermarkets, bus stops, or on holiday. I try to connect meaningfully with everyone and avoid judging by appearances, as people who’ve dropped out of society often have fascinating stories.

Friendship, to me, is about mutual comfort, shared interests, and chemistry. If there’s no initial chemistry, a relationship is unlikely to develop. You don’t need to try hard to make a friend—forcing it often leads to failure. Instead, focus on genuine mutual liking and meaningful conversations.

Being good at talking to strangers, I find interesting things to discuss, like at Rockaway Park, where I chatted about a dog’s body language and then someone moving to Devon and wondering if Totness was a good place. .Such exchanges are enriching and enjoyable.

Don’t feel self-conscious or desperate when alone, as people can sense neediness, which is off-putting. Instead of trying to impress others with achievements, focus on their interests and aspirations. Trust takes time, and there’s no need to rush. Starting modestly and being yourself works better than overthinking how to attract others.

Disagreeing with humor and not anger is also key to maintaining positive exchanges. Sharing too much too soon, like details about past relationships, often creates discomfort. Once, I dated someone who hadn’t moved on from their ex, and it quickly became apparent that the connection with me wouldn’t work.

When you are newly arrived in an area and don’t know anybody, the best way is to go along to the local library or read the local paper and find out what meetings are happening – typically talks or anything that doesn’t involve loud music.

Most areas have their tranche of community activities; you never know you may find something connected with a local church.  You’ve got to start somewhere so what better place than a talk about something that you really are interested in.

Remember that most people love to be talked to and if they’ve turned up to a particular meeting they’re not going to bite your head off for making a simple observation. They either want to talk or they do not. If not they are probably having a bad day so don’t take it personally.

Rules

follow your intuition

listen to your gut

if you have to force something it’s not worth it

ask a person about themselves in a pleasant way

try not to judge my appearance

anyone old or young male or female can become a friend.

The number of times in my long counseling career that my clients have said to me ‘if only I had followed my intuition’.  Intuition is a God-given gift to protect us from harm so give it the benefit of the doubt