Over coffee this morning at 7 am I listened to a talk by a preacher with an unfamiliar name on Trans World Radio. This fine preacher was talking about his time as a child and saying that he was the third child and his mother on discovering she was pregnant did not want him and must have sent this message to the vulnerable soul who started life with a feeling of zero self-worth.

He tried to get his father, who was a publican, to pay attention to him by being naughty in the hope that his father would strike him or slap him and thus acknowledge his existence as a human being. In spite of this the poor battered soul grew up with an inquiring mind and is doubtless doing a good job for his congregation.

Anyway, on to today’s topic which is about the giving and receiving of advice

To my amusement I was myself fired up by my reference to Lord Chesterfield in my diary two days ago.

I looked him up on the internet and found he had a biography called Lord Chesterfields Letters in which he writes to many people including his son, about which I will speak later on.

Philip Dormer Stanhope, fourth Earl Of Chesterfield, was born in 1694 – after the death of my beloved Samuel Pepys –  the grand son of George Savile, Marquis of Halifax. Brought up to be bilingual in English and French, he spent a year at Cambridge before traveling in the low countries. He started a 30-year correspondence with his son in 1737.

In terms of technology, these people are way behind us but in terms of intellectual acuity, I think the characters in this stage of development of the UK could hold their own with anybody today were they to be reincarnated.

How I become inspired

When something jumps out at me as it did when I was Googling Lord Chesterfield the reference mentioned his autobiography and I immediately knew I had to get hold of a copy. Diving in for the umpteenth time to Amazon  as I have done hundreds of times,  and the following day it arrived, thank you Amazon Prime.

I immediately started to read it and as we say *’lapped it up’.  *This term relates more to animals drinking a liquid by licking but it’s also used to take in or receive very eagerly. It’s also used with gullible people who ‘lap things up’ without consideration.

The huge topic of giving advice.

Lord Chesterfield corresponded with his son frequently and in this undated excerpt he writes:

Dear Boy,

You will seldom hear for me with out an admonition to think. All you learn, and all you can read, will be of little use, if you do not think and reason upon it yourself. One reads to know other people’s thoughts; but if you wish to take them upon trust, without examining and comparing them with our own, it is really living upon other people’s scraps, or retailing other people’s goods.

To know the thoughts of others is of use because it’s suggests thoughts to oneself, and helps one to form a judgement; but to repeat other people’s thoughts without considering whether they are right or wrong, is the talent only of a parrot, or at most a player.

I’m thinking of all the times I’ve tried to give advice as this loving father did and I have to say that most of my efforts were unsuccessful.

One small example: I commented to my local councilor here in Midsomer (Somerset) that his photographic image as it appears in the local paper had been elongated to make him look like some sort of alien. He either did not care about this or didn’t have the time to do anything about it because two years after I made the comment, the same elongated face appears.

In my counselling sessions during which I give intuitive readings I frequently give advice but then the clients have asked for it. I attempt to follow the rules of coaching i.e. you don’t tell someone what to do. You just ask them how they feel about doing something or indeed not doing something. I find this general laid-backness and fear of giving any form of direction too politically correct for my liking.

Types of advice giving

There are certain conditions that need to be present in order for advice on any subject to have the slightest chance of being listened to. never mind acted on……but I’m getting ahead of myself ….what is advice all about?

You can have instructional advice which is normally about practical things for example how to change  a tap washer or the oil in your car.

You can have procedural advice about what to do if an item that you purchase does not work properly.

You can have relationship advice where something is not going very well and you want to help the person remedy it.

You can have motivational and personal growth advice which means basically living a more meaningful life. Techniques and hints may be offered for this.

When it gets tricky is on the realms that we do not see for example the esoteric and spiritual side where we are dealing with energies that we are not familiar within this normal life.It is easy tl project our own values on others when in fact they may not be in that ball park.

Another more subtle form of advice is confirmatory advice where you know you should do something but you just need encouragement from somebody else.Its not so much advice as encouragement and support.

I’m not really talking about legal advice but we have to include it. Such advice is to do with the law of the land and what you are entitled to as a citizen. In this day and age, best of luck with that one.

Whilst on the etymology we might mention an advisory or warning which might be done say by a motoring organization in case of bad weather which basically means the conditions will not be good so drive at your own risk. The word comes from the Old French verb aviser, which means ‘to deliberate, reflect, consider.

In other words, the choice is up to but don’t say you have not been warned.

Was Lord Chesterton giving advice?

So what category does Lord Chesterfields Letters fall into? His words seem above the analytical categories of the sorts of advice; it’s more the sharing of experience and the passing on of wisdom, in the manner of so called primitive tribes do to pass on their wisdom from generation to generation. This is normally done in words as opposed to a written form.

I consider speaking out, oration, declamation, testimony as the best form of teaching.

In this day and age, and I hope I don’t sound like an old fuddy duddy, amidst the welter of noise the population has lost the desire to communicate coherently. Language has evolved or should I say morphed into short sentences, phrases etc passim listen to the sentence length particularly with young people.

The cascade of little bits and pieces of fact and fiction intertwined on social media, never mind the television, never mind newspapers, creates a ‘signal to noise’ ratio which is very much in favor of the noise so that little can get through when I try to actually communicate with someone beyond the trivial.

In the street if I want to talk to someone I often have to repeat the question; the first time for people to realize that someone is speaking to them, and the second time to actually listen to the content.

For a conversation style I refer you to Trump’s wonderful  exhortation in Miami Florida where this man spoke for 50 minutes without notes on something he believed in. He got people’s attention because he was Donald Trump and also because of the importance of what he was saying but what chance do you and I having any effect on anybody.

In Trump’s case I am fully aware that those in the room were not speaking but he was including them as if they were full participants and this is more than many people do. It is more than eye contact.

Getting someone’s attention

An essential precursor to try to impress anyone with anything is first of all they have to know and trust you so they can distinguish you from the noise refer to above. Do not think that because you are speaking, people are listening. You have to get their full *attention.

*The word attention means. It comes from the Latin word atendere which means to apply the mind to. That word in itself is made-up of ad meaning towards and tendere meaning to stretch.

To give you some idea of the challenge,  just imagine someone has come out of a loud pop concert and you are asking them to listen to a violin. This requires a complete change in mindset from gross and overlord music to something very sweet and calm. Most people cannot do this because they are not aware of the damage of noise.

Where to give advice?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The context is very important and if you select a noisy background for talking to someone for example a pub with its distractions it is much more difficult to convey something to a needy or desperate person.

You are  much better off taking them for a walk or sitting in your car or sitting in your living room and then you will have a halfway decent chance of getting something across.

Advice giving requires humility because you can’t take over someone’s life and say ‘well if I were you’, the fact is that you are not them so follow the coaching rules and maybe take people back to the roots of a problem. You could ask them for example ‘do you feel that this problem is worth a look even if it doesn’t reflect you in a good light’. In other words, look at the cause and not the symptoms and find out how serious they are.

This is only possible if they are motivated to listen, and if you feel that this does not pertain or they have something else on their mind, suggest that they have a chat on another occasion or maybe find someone else to talk with.

And Finally – words from Lord Chesterfield Himself

Just to cheer up any worried parents, this is what he says to his son:

Dear boy

Though I employ so much of my time in writing to you, I confess I have often my doubts whether it is to any purpose. I know how unwelcome advice generally is; I know that those who want it most, like it and follow it least. 

I know too, that the advice of parents, more particularly, is described to the moroseness, the imperiousness, or the garility of old age…. I flatter myself that your own reason, young as it is, must tell you, that I can have no interest but yours in the advice I give you; and that, consequently, you will at least weigh and consider it well… 

Do not think that I mean to dictate as a parent; I only mean to advise as a friend and an indulgent one too: and do not apprehend that I mean to check your pleasures of which on the contrary I only desire to be the guide not the sensor…

I’m convinced that you will act right, upon more noble and generous principles; I mean for the sake of doing right and out of affection and gratitude to me…

The necessity for trust

At the end of the day it’s about people’s willingness to receive. It’s a bit of a vicious circle really or shall we say chicken and egg because if your trust has been eroded by circumstances you’re not inclined to listen to anybody for any reason let alone take action.

I think phase one is always to gain a person’s trust and if that takes a full therapist session or a few hours over a beer in a pub then that’s the way it is. We like to think we trust but when push comes to shove we retreat into familiar areas, ‘the Devil you know’ and all that.

No disrespect to the human being but it reminds me a bit of animals on the loose that desperately need care and attention but when they are approached they run away and it’s only when they are given suitable incentives such as food but they will finally decide to come towards their rescuer.

The point is they don’t see the rescuer as such, they see them as a threat and that is something that must be addressed in the first instance.