(Written prior to my trip to London) I have visited the problem of loneliness quite a few times since I started writing in 2016 you may find the articles referred to by typing in the search key ‘loneliness’ or ‘lonely’.  As I changed and develop I see things from a new point of view or should I say I revised point of view so here are my latest thoughts on the matter:  Before that you might like to see the previous 13 references.

My interest was aroused when I read an article in ScienceTechDaily entitled ‘loneliness Peaks twice: unveiling the u-shape of adult isolation’. https://scitechdaily.com/loneliness-peaks-twice-unveiling-the-u-shape-of-adult-isolation/ you can read it here if you want but I want to move on from the points made and perhaps look at the problem or situation from a slightly different point of view.

I’m going to start with a clean slate and speak as I think so what I am going to say may not look or be tidy but it is spontaneous and  without self censure.Here goes:

I remember the story of the monk sitting on top of a mountain. One of his acolytes went up to him and asked if he was lonely. His response was ‘don’t interrupt me, I am busy’.

Was Nelson Mandela lonely in prison? During times of solitary confinement what kept him going was his vision of what could be and I know that when the apartheid regime was failing he spent a lot of time with other prisoners making plans for the future. Solitary confinement is another matter.

Both Reiner Fuellmich and Tommy Robinson, if you are up with a news, have not only been isolated but all the other similar prisoners in isolation had been removed so the powers that be are trying to dehumanize and starve these two brave people by taking away all sentient contacts.

What if I told you that I think that most loneliness is due to a combination of two unattractive qualities, laziness and selfishness. I am sick of people who all the time try to make excuses for themselves. My parents did not support me so I have social difficulty, my friends abuse me at school and played tricks on me so I lost confidence and my exam results were not very good so I did not get a good start in life, my elder brothers and sisters dominated me.

For this to be true you would have to look at all these successful people in their lives and show that they did not suffer these handicaps but surprisingly enough you will find that trade day pretty much all did and the strength of character showed itself in their determination to repair the damage caused by these early environmental difficulties and go on to shine. A self-centered person will feel that somehow the world owes them a living. If they are unhappy with the fact that people don’t come along offering gifts they dont look at themselves but blame God, the authorities, the nasty people around them, anything but looking at their own mindset.

As the saying goes, where there is a will there is a way and if people don’t use the God-given free will or shall I say don’t use it,  then they will  reap the results or perhaps lack of them. I’m not talking about people who have physical handicaps including blindness, deafness, disability of limbs, because they need society to go their extra mile and a system to lead what you would call a fairly normal life.

I’m talking about people who are perfectly well mentally and physically and yet hold all sorts of prejudice about what would happen if they did go out and join one of the many organizations that exist in all towns and cities, admittedly some more than others. These are the excuses that people give themselves to start a new social life and thus mitigate their own  loneliness.

1. I would not fit in
2.  No one would talk to me
3. I don’t know anyone there at the meeting
4. I don’t think the subject of the talk is my subject
5. I might be in the wrong age group
6. I would feel self-conscious going on my own.

Let’s deal with the last point first. At a given meeting most people go on their own enjoy existence as an individual as opposed to a couple would not even be noticed. Being social is a skill which like any other needs development, it’s a bit like riding a bike. The easiest way to talk to a stranger is to ask a question. For example how long does the meeting go on?

Once w start to become lonely we should react quickly and not just ignore the symptoms before it becomes an ingrained habituation and becomes more difficult to face and shake off

If you are a single person or someone arriving on your own it’s better that you ask another single person and you will learn to read the room and see who is on there own looking for someone to converse with . It is quite a good idea to turn up before the meeting starts let’s say at 7.30 I would be there at 7:15 and if there’s only half a dozen people there then chat to one of them . It’s called an Icebreaker.

Opening gambits include  ‘Are we allowed to ask questions? Or even how long have you been coming to these meetings? All these are not offensive, out of place, will do any harm, would upset anyone and are what we call innocuous questions.

1590s, from Latin innocuus “harmless; innocent; inoffensive,” from in- “not” (see in- (1)) + nocuus “hurtful,” from root of nocere “to injure, harm,” from *nok-s-, suffixed form of PIE root *nek- (1) “death.” Related: Innocuously; innocuousness.

The point is that everyone has come for the same purpose which is not merely to hear about steam engines in the 19th century but also to meet people and perhaps get away from similar circumstances than you if indeed you live on your own. I would strongly advise the use of your intuition here and if you feel drawn to someone then you’re not going to waste their time or come to blows with you. Just a simple opening gambit will work fine.

When we are on a low level we can be haunted by negative thoughts for example about losing your job but not being able to find another or or thinking that you’re going to be on your own for the next 10 years, or are you too old to get married or find someone. I actually heard a  young lady of 25 worried that she was on the shelf. Try thinking of someone of 45 years of age with no husband and three children trying to meet new people or even someone of 65 years who has lost her husband and is now a widow.

Let’s say it’s your first outing four six months. People are very good at putting on a smile and a brave face but you don’t know what’s going on underneath and in those cases you will find something to talk about.

I hope I have given you some reasons for wanting to talk to strangers.  Dating agencies have been around since the 70s when relational databases were first invented for public use. I remember when I started London village in 1970 the competitor was Dateline, now I think bought up by another company.

There is a problem and a big one that when you describe yourself;  there is a huge element of ‘window dressing’  which means you want to present yourself as you think the world would like to imagine rather than your true nature.

A ‘good sense of humor’ could translate into being completely mad and eccentric. Whilst people are afraid to state the truth about themselves you are going to get varying performance and little meaningful engagement.

I have thought for the last 40 years and have had little evidence to change my mind that it much better to  meet people in the flesh. It is more natural and less forced. Anyone can hide behind an identity on the internet. Grown adults have hidden behind the identity of a 16 year old boy only two seduce them and molest them at a later time.

Talking of going to meetings in both public places and private homes, any number of questions can come up as you leave your home. Have I got the right evening? Have I got the right address?  Will there be anyone there? Those,  plus the questions above, may not put you in the best frame of mind. If you know someone else it might be a good idea to go along to a new meeting with them.

Another idea could be to ring up the secretary or organizer of the meeting and say to their face that it is your first time and would they look out for you. They surely will because they want the meeting to be a success and they may introduce you to someone else who is also a newcomer.

You may wonder how to dress. Dress codes apply to very few meetings these days so I suggest you turn up in something inconspicuous and comfortable. There’s no need to overdo anything.  If it is a meeting and people ask questions there is no harm in going to talk to them afterwards and taking them up on their point.

Oh – there is another situation which is very common. People think they are shy but that is a misreading. They are unfamiliar. That is all. These are not diseases they are a temporary condition which will fade away after 10 minutes. A sense of humor helps enormously and if you can tell a little joke or make a wry comment you will become more attractive as a person.

I have written frequent notes about the value of listening and if you want to know more again do a search on my articles. People can tell when you are listening because you’re interested, or ‘listening’ to be polite. The latter category tend to glance around the room every few seconds to see what else is going on.

So what I’m saying is that the condition of loneliness as opposed to being alone is your decision and the vast majority of the people have the opportunity to escape from it. I understand that if you’ve been recently divorced or lost your boyfriend you feel a little bit one legged and gauche and this just means that  you need to practice your social skills after having taken them for granted for a period of months or years.

Some people like being on their own. If you are an introverted person and like your own company even then it’s a good thing to plan to go out somewhere from time to time even say once a fortnight because it gives you something to look forward to otherwise you can look into a long tunnel of nothing and that is not a very comforting state of mind. Every one in the world is unique and you have something to offer that no one else can.

Related to this there is the question of who we are and what is our purpose. I am starting to cover these in all my other explorations of the philosophical side of life and I refer you to them. We have everything we need within us to be alive and to thrive but it has been programmed out of a spy political and religious influences and we need to put it back into place where it belongs right in our heart

At the very least I suggest that if you occupy yourself in one way for example corking at a computer, then find another way to pass the time which is completely the opposite.

For example I do gardening which is a physical thing more than a mental thing and it is brilliant for giving me a break from the problems  which sometimes weigh on my mind.

I’m going to end with the series of quotes that I hope you will find helpful

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness. Maya Angelou

We are living in dystopia, in a world that is dominated by technology and disconnect, alienation, loneliness, and dysfunction.
Steven Wilson

At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one’s lost self. Brendan Behan

Solitude is pleasant. Loneliness is not.
Anna Neagle

What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?
George Eliott

What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.
Kurt Vonnegut