I always follow my impulses when deciding to do something out of the ordinary because it never gets me in to trouble and I always enjoy myself. This morning I decided to go to Porkies which as locals know is a working people’s café on the industrial estate, 4th Avenue, Westfield. So here you see my breakfast in all its glory served at 7:45 this morning.

Early on a Saturday morning at Porkys. It is still dark.

But my day started earlier than that. I arose at 3.53 a.m or simple reason that I was no longer tired. I switched on YouTube and saw a most fascinating film from the site Jesusforjews.org about a woman who had a near death experience when she temporarily left her body after her horse fell on her. She claims to have met Jesus and said he wasn’t the nagging type but the funniest human being you could ever imagine whose only wish is that we could do the best for ourselves. Don’t tell that to the Catholics

Unusual Word of the Day – Pareidolia

We had a zoom meeting recently and in the course of doing background research during the meeting I came across this wonderful word Pareidolia. Hands up those who have heard of it. If you have not heard of it you will know the symptoms. It is the illusory perception of meaningful patterns or images of familiar things in random or amorphous data. So I will see a sheep in a cloud for example.

This brings in the serious problem of perception management. As people who like to think we are more aware we have learned to join the dots and see connections between things. We may overdo it but that is not a crime, Their attitudes only affect our credibility. My conclusion is that people see what they want to see and the imagination is inhibited by fear and ignorance.

My list of annoying phrases

Anyway, at breakfast, when I get an idea I regard it as a precious thing. I had the idea of writing some of my pet hates about things people say (to me) in public, normally as a customer. Here are a few of them with the responses that I would like to make though of course never do.

Is everything alright? (with regard to a meal that has been served). Yes it is, you can tell because I’m eating it. If there was something wrong I would draw your attention to it. Anyway, if I said what I really thought you would not take any notice. If I had said for example that the meal is like something the cat bought up you would automatically say thank you and not even listen

I’ll just make a quick call. What do you mean by quick? Do you mean that you will run quickly to the phone? Do you mean that you will speak quickly? I think you mean you’re going to make a call. Making a quick call implies that you could make a slow call where the limbs move very slowly and you -speak -slowly- with -plenty -of -space -between- the -words

(normally telephone calls) is there anything else I can do for you? Yes, stop asking such questions as is there anything else I can do for you. I telephoned you with the matter in hand and had there been anything else I would have mentioned it. I know you only ask this question because you are trained to do so and really hope that I’m going to respond with a gushing thank you for your excellent and wonderful service

Have a nice day. Thanks to people who say this. I was going to have a horrible day but now I’m going to have a nice one whatever the word nice means. I think the phrase should be banned on the grounds of having no meaning

I’m Like – this is a dreadful corruption of the English language. I’m like going to the theatre with like my friends we sort of thought that it will be like a good idea. Why don’t you get together with like-minded friends and like each other to death

I’ll just pop you on hold. This means you haven’t a clue what you’re talking about and you have to ask someone else what to say

I’m sorry to trouble you.  If you were really sorry you would not have done so.

What was your name? Damn, I’ve been outed. I changed my name and I didn’t tell anyone. I think the receptionist knows because she’s looking at me in a funny way.

I hope I am not calling too late.  I have a choice.
1. I can say, yes it is 9.30 on a Saturday evening and for a routine inquiry is thoughtless and inconsiderate
2. see who it is and not answer
3. say with gritted teeth, no that’s perfectly fine. I was just serving some beef to guests – but it can wait.
4. Turn off the phone

I didn’t realize what the time was, sorry.  (dramatic pause) then That’s why they invented the clock!

I tried to call you  This is high up on my list. It can mean a number of things
#  I thought of calling you
# I meant to call you but did not get around to it
#  I tried to call you but there was no ringing tone
#  I tried to call you but the phone was so heavy I could not dial the numbers
# even worse ‘something cropped up’.

Advice –  save your self a lot of trouble and just say ‘ I forgot’

Not a problem (when I order a coffee). It does say ‘coffee shop’ so when I order a coffee I don’t expect that to be a problem. I wonder what a customer has to do to be a problem. Perhaps to order an unheard of brand of Brazilian coffee. It would also be a problem if I was in a butchers shop or an undertaker.

I am working on it   Meaning – I haven’t even started it.

Bla bla bla – You cant be bothered to utter the actual words. You know what I am going to say anyway. LAZY

‘Perfect’ – when I have given a perfectly clear and ordinary order or request. Again, what would an imperfect order consist of? Is it when I mumble my words or find I’m in the wrong shop

Can I ask a question? – I don’t know and neither will you unless you try. Do I look like the sort of person that no one can ask a question of? If you don’t have the confidence to ask I’m inclined to say no.

I will just double check  – What? If you have not even checked once how can you check again? Are you saying you will check, leave the room, and return to check again?

I am more than happy – I wonder what this means. Can you have a glass that’s more than full? Do people who are more than happy go manic and start frothing at the mouth with happiness?

It is what it is – in other words I have nothing helpful to contribute but don’t want to stop talking yet

With all due respect or ‘with the greatest of respect’ normally means without the greatest of respect. Maybe this is the first stage of you shooting yourself in the foot so the best thing is to be quiet or just say what you think.

At this moment in time try saying at this moment in another time or you could even use that three letter word ‘now’. At this moment in time obfuscates the situation away from the challenge of now.

If you see what I mean – if people don’t understand what you’re talking about the addition of this idiotic PS will add nothing. If people don’t understand what you mean then put a greater emphasis on articulation and clarification

Personally, I feel this way. Of course it’s personal. People are personal (persona – geddit?). I don’t expect you to describe other people’s feelings. If you feel this way personally how do you feel impersonally.

Can everyone hear me at the back? acoustically this is a stupid question because if they can’t hear you they will not know to respond unless they can lip read.

I’m just going to grab a coffee what a brutal thing to do to something that you were going to be pouring down your throat. Kindness to dumb animals and objects that cannot talk back is needed.

What a sweet child – people say this unless the child is actually kicking their shins. How do you know the child is sweet through looking at them?

I’m going to reach out to you – why, are you drowning? Do you consider that I am so distanced from you that you have to reach out ? Why not ‘reconnect with’ or simply ‘ask’

Can I pick your brains?  – no, use your own

Just wondering if you got my last e-mail (normally in spam).   Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.  The point is that I don’t know who you are and I did not ask for an SEO review AND if you represent 150 highly qualified staff you are writing from India. To shut people up I ask for the name / URL of their company and where they live. Silence.  It works every time.

How long is a piece of string? – in your case, long enough to make a noose for you and your boring mind. I would actually smile blandly and switch off at this point.

Low hanging fruit – in your case, mate, that brings in a symbolism that I would rather not discuss.

Finally

I cant say ‘Twitterverse’ any more.    X-verse does not sound the same. Xistence perhaps?

Add YOUR favourite irritating phrase.

Write editor@briansnellgrove.net

Go on, be outrageous.